Waiting.....

Today has been one of those days. One of those days that I wish I could just see into the future.

It's no secret that we have been trying for a baby for a while now (July will be 2 years). I was diagnosed with PCOS last year and I've been seeing a RE (reproductive endocrinologist) since Feb. While I am amazed at the advancements of fertility treatments, there are still so many unknowns with the whole issue. I have such a hard time understanding how we were able to get pregnant so quickly with Wyatt. We only tried 2 months for him. Before trying for Wy, I had lost 17 lbs with Weight Watchers. Dr. H believes that is what allowed me to become regular and ovulate properly (if this is TMI, you can stop reading now!). Sometimes weight loss can jump start ovulation in women with PCOS. At the time, I had no idea I had it so I just assumed that getting pregnant with #2 would be as easy. I've never been a "regular" girl, but I never thought twice about it.

In July of 2009 we decided to start trying for another baby. We definitely weren't on a schedule, but we quit preventing. I had always wanted my kids to be close in age. Wyatt was 1 1/2 at the time. After about 6 months and no baby, I decided maybe we should talk to my doctor about it. That's when the bomb was dropped....... PCOS. I had never even heard of it. So, what's a girl to do? Google it. Let me tell you, that is THE. WORST. THING. YOU. CAN. DO! I have never been so scared, shocked and worried in my entire life. I know every case is different, but I wish I had never read all the things I did. Don't get me wrong, I think it's a good thing to be informed, but it literally consumed me. The only thing I could think was, we will never be able to have another child. Our doctor didn't seem to concerned and he put me on clomid to try to jumpstart my cycles. The result....nothing. I had always heard that clomid was the miracle drug and that anyone can have a baby if they just take clomid......wrong. Not me. Dr. F had told me on numerous times that he would refer me to a RE if we wanted to be more aggressive with the treatments. He said that clomid was about as much as he could do. I just couldn't bring myself to go that route. Not yet. I've always felt that when the time was right, we would get our baby.

Around Christmas, Morgan and I talked about it and we decided it would be ok to go see Dr. H (RE). Wyatt was about to turn 3 and baby fever had set in...... bad. It seemed like everywhere I turned, there were pregnant women. I swear, People.com announced 4 pregnancies a day! Why is it that when you can't have something, it seems like everyone else does? I never was jealous of women who became pregnant so quickly, I was one of them at one time. I just really wanted another one. Anyone who knows me knows that I've always wanted a lot of kids! We were able to get in with Dr. H the beginning of Feb. He was so understanding and I instantly felt like this was our guy. The man who was going to get us our baby. The first method of treatment was tamoxifen. It did nothing. Through ultrasounds, it looked like my follicles were growing, but my hormones never triggered ovulation. After a week, he decided to put me on femara. 7 days later..... WHOO HOO, I'm ovulating! I've never been so excited to hear those words! Unfortunately, 2 weeks later we realize that it didn't work that time, but I still had hope. I thought femara was our answer. Anyway, 2 weeks ago, I started my 2nd round of femara. I went in last week feeling great. I just knew I was about to OV again and that this month might bring us our baby we've wanted and prayed for. The nurse does the ultrasound and says I look like I might be about to OV. I was thrilled! We went back today and guess what. Nothing. She said it appears that my hormones started to spike (to release the egg) and then just stopped. Are you kidding me?? How could this be.

It is so hard to stay positive. If you could see my face, it is broken out like a 13 year old from all the hormones. I feel like I can't lose weight from all the fertility drugs and what is this all for......? It is such a waiting game. The doctor wants me to try another drug for 5 days (my face will NEVER clear up with all these hormones) and see me back next week. Hopefully, this time it will work. Morgan and I have talked about it and I think we are going to go through this round of treatment and then take a little break. I'd really like to get all of these drugs out of my system and try to lose a few pounds. That really seemed to help in getting pregnant with Wyatt so I don't think it would hurt to try this time. I'm just mentally and emotionally drained. I know that God will give us our baby in time, if that's what's meant to be. He sure if teaching me a life lesson in patience in the meantime!