Ecclesiastes 3:1- "To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven"
I've been thinking a lot about God's timing lately. Isn't it amazing that God knows every single detail of our life before it even happens? I find that so amazing. He knows the hairs on our head, the breaths we will take and the path He will lead us. I have struggled a lot with praying to God for a baby. It seems the more that I pray for one, the more God says not now. In my heart, I truly believe that God will bless us with more children one day. I'm learning that it isn't our decision to make. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. This child of mine is actually His. I am just so blessed that he chose Morgan and I to be his earthly parents.
So many times, I've found myself bitter towards God. It seems like my prayers aren't being answered. I read something this week that really made me think. He IS answering my prayers. He is answering my prayers with, "In My time". I see so many couples that seem like they plan their families right down to the minute. Before I got married, I always told people, I was going to marry a farmer and have 3 kids. How can I complain when the Lord has given me what I've asked of Him? No, I don't have 3 children, but he isn't saying No. He's saying, "In My time". It is so easy to beat yourself up and say that if I had done this or I hadn't done that, He would give me what I ask of Him. How dare I think that God would be so cold. He loves me unconditionally and my sins are cast away just because I asked! What more love could ask for than that? No, I can't plan to have 3 kids, 2 years apart like I always imagined, but obviously that isn't in our best interest. I know that God ALWAYS has my best interest at heart.
July will be 2 year since we've been trying for another child. Back then, we never imagined that we would be making one of the biggest changes of our lives by moving across the county to a new farm. He is to be given the honor and praise for this opportunity. It was His path for us, not ours. I pray that God opens my eyes and heart to see that His plans for us are so much greater than our own. I'm sure it would be so hard to make this move with a newborn and maybe that's why we haven't be given another child. He knew it would be too hard. I'm a firm believer that God won't give us more than we can handle.
We learned today that we aren't pregnant again this month. I hadn't really expected to be in all honesty, but it broke my heart to hear Morgan's reaction. He's usually so optimistic, but I could hear the hurt in his voice when I told him this morning. I really believe he thought this time was going to be different. I told him I thought it was maybe time for a break from the doctors and meds for a while. God gave me this body and I know that I'm capable of having a baby and carrying a baby. Wyatt is proof of that. I really feel like I need to get my body in top shape and treat it as the temple it was made to be. After lots of prayer, I really feel like this is the right decision. I think that modern medicine is absolutely amazing, but it isn't the right time for us and I think that God will bless us with another baby in His time. I pray that God will give me strength to do what I need to do. If it isn't His will for us to have another child, I pray that he gives me comfort and peace in that. I love my boy more than life itself and I know that God is going to do great things with his life.
Please keep my family in your prayers. I'm not usually one to ask, but this is the hardest thing we've ever been through and I would appreciate all the prayers we can get at this tough time.